Ancestor
The first person who ate an oyster was either very hungry, very brave, or lost a bet.
They looked at a rock. Opened it. Saw snot inside.
And thought: I’ll put this in my mouth.
We are their descendants.
This explains a lot.

Jurisprudence
In Switzerland, you cannot keep just one guinea pig.
Only two. It’s the law.
Because one would be lonely.
This means someone in parliament stood up and said: “Ladies and gentlemen, guinea pigs get sad.”
And everyone voted for it.
This is called humanity.

Geometry
Pizza is a circle in a square box that you eat in triangles.
Who came up with this?
And why aren’t they ruling the world?

Evolution
The first fish that walked onto land didn’t do it out of bravery. Most likely, another fish was chasing it. Or it was stupid. Or both.
All of civilization is the result of one idiot not being able to swim fast enough.
Thank you, fish!

Statistics
Every day, eight people in the world die from coconuts falling from the sky.
I don’t know why I know this. But now you know it too.

Transportation
Somewhere right now, a taxi driver is taking someone to the place where they’ll make the worst decision of their life.
Both are silent.
The radio is playing.

Zoology
A turtle doesn’t know it’s slow.
For it, this is normal speed.
You’re the fast one.
Maybe too fast.

Anthropology
Ancient people drew on cave walls.
They drew hunts, animals, hands.
It’s art. It’s history. It’s sacred.
But honestly - someone definitely drew a penis.
We just haven’t found that cave.
Or we found it and didn’t publish it.

Pharmacology
The instructions for headache pills are written in a font that gives you a headache.
It’s not a bug.
It’s a business model.

Hygiene
A toothbrush is the only thing you put in your mouth every day and never wash.
Well, you rinse it with water.
That doesn’t count.
You know it doesn’t count.
But tomorrow you’ll do the same thing.

License
To drive a car - you need a license.
To have a child - nothing.
Just go ahead. Make a human.
No one will check.
Later that human will be in therapy saying “mom didn’t know how to love.”
And mom didn’t. No one taught her.
There was no exam.

Interview
God calls you in for a talk. You show up. God says: tell me about yourself.
You begin: born here, worked there, got married, got divorced.
God interrupts: no. Tell me about yourself.
You’re silent. You don’t know what to say.
God smiles.

Astronomy
You’re made of stardust.
But the stars aren’t proud of you.
They don’t even know about you.
Then again, your parents don’t always know what you’re doing either.
That’s normal.

Mathematics
Your odds of being born were one in four hundred trillion.
You won.
The prize is Mondays.

Ergonomics
Who decided chairs should be this height?
One person. Long ago.
Since then, everyone sits the way it was comfortable for them.
You obey a dead carpenter every day.

Metaphysics
The universe is 13.8 billion years old.
You didn’t exist for 13.8 billion years.
It didn’t hurt.
You won’t exist again.
Why should that be worse?

Hydraulics
The water you drink was drunk by dinosaurs.
It passed through everyone.
Through Caesar. Through Genghis Khan.
You’re drinking recycled history.
How does it taste?

Arithmetic
Your birthday is the only day when everyone celebrates that you didn’t die this year.
Candles are a survival counter.
Cake is the reward.
It’s all pretty dark, if you think about it.

Revelation
My great-grandfather’s last words were: “Oh, so that’s what it is.”
Then he died.

Schedule
Somewhere in the world there’s a person who set their alarm for 4:17 AM. Not 4:15. Not 4:20. 4:17.
I want to know what’s going on in their life.

Existence
Your skeleton is inside you.
But technically - you’re around the skeleton.
You’re the costume for your bones.
The skeleton wears you.
Not the other way around.

Silence
A monk was silent for twenty years.
Then he spoke.
The first thing he said: “I shouldn’t have spoken.”
And went silent for another twenty.

Astronomy II
Light from some stars travels to us for millions of years.
This means you can make a wish on a star that’s already dead.
And you know what? It won’t grant it.
A living one wouldn’t have either.
But at least the dead one isn’t to blame.

Schrödinger
Schrödinger named his cat after a thought experiment.
The cat didn’t know. The cat just wanted food.
The cat became the most famous cat in the history of physics and didn’t get a single sausage out of it.
That’s fame for you.

Statistics II
Someone is the worst surgeon in the world.
And they have surgery today.
Goodnight.

Documentation
Somewhere there’s a person who wrote the iTunes license agreement.
They know no one has ever read it.
Maybe on page 47 they wrote “if you’re reading this, call me, I’m lonely.”
Nobody called.

Optics
You’ve never seen your own face.
Only reflections. Only photos.
Everyone except you has seen your real face.
You’re the only person who doesn’t know what you look like.

Gravity
The chair you’re sitting on is flying through space at 800 kilometers per second.
You don’t notice.
The chair doesn’t complain.
You’re both astronauts who forgot about it.

Biology
You have an organ whose only job is to produce earwax.
It works every day.
No days off.
No gratitude.
Silently makes wax.
You never think about it.
It doesn’t think about you either.

Physics
You’re touching the chair, but you’re not touching it.
Atoms don’t touch. Between them - emptiness and electromagnetic repulsion.
You’ve never truly touched anything.
You hover above everything at a distance of one billionth of a meter.
Your whole life.

Chronometry
A clock doesn’t show time.
It shows the position of hands.
You imagine the time yourself.

Statistics III
You’re the youngest you’ll ever be.
Right now.
You’ll never be younger.
Congratulations on peaking.

Tea
A guest came to the master.
The master poured tea.
The guest drank.
The master poured more.
And so on - until evening.
The guest asked: when will the teaching begin?
The master said: you’ve already had eight cups.

Moon
The master pointed at the moon.
The student looked at the finger.
The master lowered his hand.
The student looked at the empty space where the finger was.
The master left.
The student stayed.
Twenty years later, he saw the moon.
It had been there the whole time.